Doll Face

Bi-polar appetite.

Eating for me is a necessity to stay alive and not eating has nothing that I can identify to do with appearance. However, I don't own scales because I figured it was a bad idea for someone highly susceptible to developing a neurological eating disorder to have a tool around the house that could allow me to become obsessive about my weight. 

I kind of just have bad periods and managing periods.  Sometimes I'm as good as I can be, for me and other times I cant cope with more than three cups of tea a day. 

Anyway the past few weeks I've been going through a bad one and everything I tried to eat made me feel very sick. I checked myself out on my boyfriends scales and saw I'd dropped to bellow 6 stone. Usually I manage to maintain an all mighty 6 1/2. It's no where near as much as it should be but I figure if I'm not getting worse, then I'm doing OK. When it drops below, warning bells start ringing. 

Unusually, I woke up yesterday feeling ravenously hungry. The more I ate the more often I felt hungry again... So I Kept eating. This morning I was pretty much the same Sx I plan to really take advantage of this and try to get up to 7 stone or something.  I already felt pregnant with a food baby last night which is a very unusual  feeling. It's like I've been smoking loads of weed. - I haven't but I've never had a high quite this extreme before. I know my body is crying out for nutrients because I've felt my eyesight deteriorating with a lack of vit A and little cuts and bruises don't heal etc... I'm as lethargic as usual and probably very anemic. It's a mystery how I keep going but I guess its youth. Right now I can cope with it... When I get older I wont be able to continue like this which probably means I shouldn't be continuing like it now. 

The Problem with trying to get some kind of help or assistance with the food thing is they either want to shove me in a clinic with a load of teenage anorexics or get me to stop the therapy I'm already in for some therapy that specialists in eating disorders.  None of these are a necessary option because as soon as I get bad enough to think I need some intervention, I suddenly pick up again.

Dove, Tweens and self esteem.

Fist of all I wonder what Dove are getting out of this. I know they are owned by Unilever, witch is on the PTSA bad list, i.e, they torture mice and piglets for the sake of so called 'beauty' but I do give them credit for this campaign.

Of course, the catch is they can say 'buy our beauty products and you will be contributing to the cost of workshops teaching girls they don't need to buy beauty products' catch 22?

The campaign seems to be aimed at 7-13 year-olds. My self esteem body issues at that age where my over bight (which I still have and have learnt to love) and my pudding bowl hair style that my mother forced me to have.
I was also lacking education in personal hygiene and other areas of feminine care. (I still haven't got a total grip on that, perhaps that's not that uncommon, women?)   I do blame a lot of the school bullying on these difficulties I had due to a lack of guidance from a female roll model.  I wasn't the kind of kid that just picks things up through her girl Friends or magazines for I didn't have girl  Friends or read magazines. For sure to say, I had several Carrie like moments at high school.

All the children that took part in the workshops where taken along by their mothers. All those featured of the video where very pretty, healthy and middle class looking.  Yes, they are undoubtedly going to suffer from self esteem issues if not more so than the kids from the other side of the tracks, but it would have been nice to see some cultural and class diversity.

I guess I just want to see a young version of myself be rescued early on so they don't have to learn the hard way.

Sorting out my clothes.

Since being old enough to dress myself, I've always bummed around in jeans, T shirt and a baggy hoody.
This is partly due to wanting to appear androgynous so no one would treat me like a girl. I didn't like being a girl. Boys where hard, tough and cool and if I wanted to hang out with them as equals, I had to dress like them.

At times I did have to dress in a way to extenuate my female features to attract males but it was never truly my choice of fashion.

When I Finally had the option to get out of the grey tank tops, trainers and ripped knee jeans I was facing a bit of an identity crisis.  What do I like? what suits my body and my personality, what is my style?

Deciding what I want from what I wear was the essential move.  something practical? something that makes me fade in to the background, what ever all the other kids are wearing... am I goth, scene, biker chick, frumpy mumsy... Do I identify myself as working class, druggy scum, arty bohemian type, womanly, tomboy, young, old... am I a PJ Harvey or am I a Joni Mitchel?

I still can not say.
Maybe I am just political slogan shirt and skinny jeans... Maybe I wear what I think is fab design weather it suits me or not.

I'm still playing around and experimenting with what makes me feel like myself and what makes me feel like the person I want to be.

Good Morning.

I awake, blurry eyed to Saturday afternoon. (well I was up all night making this blog) Today I'm going round to my boyfreinds flat and I'm an hour and a half late before I'm even out of bed.
as you can see by the grainy photograph, this is me in the dress I have chosen to wear today. I got it on sale in Next (UK fashion retailers) and its a size 6.

Why then, do I ask, is is so bloody massive on me?  Its safety pinned at the back to deslacken the material and I have had to pin the front neck to my bra or it just falls forward and shows all thats underneath.  The unbrushed hair  is old curls from yesterday that have been slept in and thats all there is too it.
I feel confident today that I look good primarily for me.  I could go around with my hair brushed and make up on and accessories that weren't 50p from the Red Cross charity shop or I could allow my ill fitting dress to hang off me more like a toga in a Rubens painting.

No. Today I look how I like to look because I like how it looks. I am happy to be 5ft3 and  6 stone 6lbs and 22 years of age and I feel like my appearance matches my personality... if I looked about 40 years older!

I don't know if its because I'm blessed with a body I can accept and be happy with or blessed with a mind that can accept and be happy with my body.
What ever it is, today it's working o.k.

HELLO my name is

Irrelevant because I didn't choose it, like I didn't choose my genes, my talents, my defects, my age or gender race or  relatives etc...  None of us chose these things but we're pretty much stuck with them so I guess we have to learn to like it.

Thats what this blog is about.

 Every day I find myself questioning my motivations for the choices I make; What influenced that decision and should I let that thing influence my decisions?

 The answer is usually no as more often than not, I make choices I think others would approve of in order not to be ostracized by the community.

fair enough its a survival mechanism but maybe one that there isn't really a call for.
I believe we should all be the person we want to be and I want to be an example of the change I wish to see in the attitudes of others.

It all starts with how I think, how I act and how I see myself.

I am Mercy and I'm letting go of the super ego. This is the start of it.